Brainiacs and Bookshelves
by Foreseer44
Summary: Noah and Scarlett are working together at a small bookstore, but with sales plummeting and neither genius attempting to help, someone's paycheck is on the line. If they want their jobs (and bragging rights), they'll have to use their wits to outsmart each other in the race to retain their minimum wage payments and reputations as geniuses.
1. Chapter 1: The Challenge

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing.**

**~A/N~ I was going to write for Novel Month, but I missed writing fan fiction, so I'm back with a new story. Basically, the summary tells all, so enjoy!**

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><p><em>Brainiacs and Bookshelves<em>

_Chapter One: The Challenge_

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><p>The quiet, monotonous buzz of a small fan reverberated in the employee's ears as he peacefully turned the pages of his book, casually absorbing the story like it was his only directive in life. He let out a relaxed sigh and moved his eyes down the page, looking over every word as he reclined in his rolling chair. His red t-shirt folded as the book pressed against his chest, snug and warm like a tucked in child.<p>

"Excuse me," a soft voice interrupted his literary meditation. "Could you help me?"

The employee grumbled to himself and slowly lowered his book into his lap. His face was as plain and dull as humanly possible and showed no signs of interest. He smiled faintly and falsely.

"I'm sorry..." The woman looked at the employee's name tag and squinted in order to read it. "Noah," she finished. "I know you were busy, but I need to know where I can find a copy of _1984._"

"No clue," Noah sighed in utter boredom. "Can I read my novel yet, or do you want to keep asking? Trust me, honey, I don't have a clue where anything is in this place." He looked down at his book and went back to reading.

"But you're working here right?" The woman pointed at Noah's red uniform, marked with a golden label and Noah's name. "You're supposed to know where the stuff is."

Noah scoffed. "And _you're _supposed to know how to use the store's organization system. How about you go back to grade school and learn about the alphabet?"

The woman gasped. "Rude much?" She stomped her foot and hissed. "I need this book for my son's English class and you're not helping, like, at all."

"I don't even like it here," Noah groaned. "What did you expect me to do, hold your hand as we cross the aisles?"

"No," the woman whined incessantly. "I just want to know where _1984 _is!"

"Interesting," came a snarky voice from behind the woman. "You're in need of a copy of _1984_?"

The woman turned to see a young woman with red hair, glasses, and a rather petite frame. Her eyes were sly and made her to be a calculating woman.

"Uh, yeah," the customer said with caution. "You can find it?"

"Thank God!" Noah sighed in relief. "Scarlett, just get her the book before I pop a vein. She hasn't left me alone in ages."

"That was less than a minute!" the customer said in defense, glaring at the lazy bookworm.

Scarlett grabbed the woman's shoulder and turned her around to stare into her eyes. "Look, ma'am. I know you want _1984,_ but you don't _need 1984. _How about one of my picks instead?"

The woman put her hands on her hips and glared at Scarlett, dumbfounded. "But the book's for my son's English class; he'll fail if I don't get it today!"

"Well," Scarlett chuckled. "Take it from me. _1984 _is a terrible influence on today's youth. Overthrowing a dictator? Horrible ideology! Fighting the system? A rather shameful act if you were to ask me. Let's be honest here. If I was a world leader and could decide the fate of every human being in existence, would you want to challenge my word?"

The woman slowly inched herself back until she made a dash for the front door. "I'll try another store," she gasped as she pushed her way outside, ringing the bell that was hanging above the doorway.

Noah smiled and looked at his fellow employee. "Nice job, _Norman Bates._ You just cost us _another _sale. Congratulations!" He went back to reading his novel.

"And you have no share in the blame?" Scarlett growled. "We would've sold that book if you'd been knowledgeable about the inventory, not that I would've actually sold her that book though. My point: you diminish our sales."

"At least I don't scare the shoppers away," Noah said dryly. "Remember that time you slapped that kid in the face because he sneezed on your leg?"

"There was a flu going around and you knew it!" Scarlett retorted, crossing her arms and glaring at the bookworm. "You also know that I _hate_ getting sick!"

"Whatever," Noah scoffed. "But here's my two cents: if we don't sell books, we get fired. It's not that hard to understand. Hell, just throw in a scolding by the boss while you're at it." He held up his book, still opened. "Now let me finish this chapter."

Scarlett reached over the checkout counter and snapped the book out of Noah's hands.

Noah growled. "Not cool, honey. Not cool."

"Look," Scarlett sighed. "I know we need to sell books, so how about you drop this piece of filth called _Harry Potter _and get used to socializing with the customers for once. If you do so, I'll work on my... issues. Do you understand?"

"Fine," Noah grumbled. "And keep the book. It's not even mine and I've read it a million times over."

"Good," Scarlett smirked before a beefy hand latched onto her shoulder, causing her to instinctively kick back with her foot.

Behind her, a middle aged man in a bookstore uniform collapsed to the ground and squealed his hands latched to his crotch.

"Nice nut shot, crazy bird," Noah quipped.

"The boss wants you two in his office," the man groaned in pain.

"You heard the man," Scarlett gestured towards Noah to get up. "To the office we go."

Noah rolled his eyes and dragged his frail body out of his chair, limping on his sleeping foot and walking past the downed employee.

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><p>Noah and Scarlett took their seats in the boss' office on small, wooden stools. Noah struggled to pull himself onto the chair, so Scarlett grabbed his shirt and yanked him to the top. The two shared a quick glance that read "this is all your fault."<p>

"Alright, guys," the balding man said as he sat in his elegant, leather chair behind the desk. "I bet you two know why you're here. Am I right?"

Noah glanced at the golden plaque that read "Mr. Massey" and smiled. "I sure do, Mr. Massey."

"Really?" Massey said sarcastically. "Enlighten me, _brainiac_."

Scarlett rolled her eyes and quietly chucked. She knew what Noah would say, and she was ready to refute.

"Well, sir," Noah started, still smiling a false grin. "I hate throwing people under the bus, but sometimes the truth must come out and whoever-"

"It's _whomever_," Scarlett said, interrupting her partner mid-speech. "Not _whoever._"

"Wonderful," Noah sighed in frustration. "But to be honest and truthful to you, Mr. Massey, I'll have to let some secrets go. First of all, this is all Scarlett's fault."

"Hold on!" Scarlett replied in offense to Noah's claim. "You're just as guilty. Did you not ignore the needs of the customer in favor of your own?"

"You slapped a kid," Noah said as he narrowed his eyes in frustration. "That's literally all I need in this case."

Mr. Massey watched as Scarlett and Noah, two brilliant minds, tossed their arguments back and forth. Noah brought up Scarlett's past on Total Drama. Scarlett brought up Noah's recent naps on the job. He brought up Scarlett's ignorance towards certain books and their themes. She brought up his playing of video games on the checkout computer. Massey finally had enough and snapped.

"Quiet, both of you!" he bellowed, his guttural scream echoing through the hallways and attracting the attention of a few employees.

Noah and Scarlett froze in mid-conversation and shuddered as the scream rattled them to the core. Both locked eyes with Massey's burning pupils.

"Here's the deal, _Drama Dorks,_" he said in a slightly lower voice. "Our sales have plummeted with that new bookstore opening across the street and I can't pay _both _of you! Now, you know that means that one of you is halfway out the door, right?"

"Yes, sir," Scarlett said, sitting in perfect posture as Noah snorted arrogantly.

"Good," Massey grunted. "You're both annoying, so I can't decide who to cut. That's why I have a little idea in mind: a game of sorts."

"What do you want us to do, whore ourselves on the street outside?" Noah chuckled. "I know Scarlett would excel at that profession."

"What?!" Scarlett gasped. "I have an IQ of over 180! I'm too valuable to society to be a _prostitute._" She shuddered at the last word.

"Meh," Noah scoffed. "You'd just have to lure guys into the back room and steal their wallets after slitting their throats. No sex whatsoever."

"I'm not talking about whoring, you wingdings!" Massey shouted. "I'm talking about a competition between each employee to see who can raise the most money in one week. Losers get cut; winners get a raise, small, but still a raise."

"Great," Noah nodded. "So who's playing? I'm asking because the woman to my right isn't exactly fair when it comes to games."

Scarlett rolled her eyes. Inside, she knew she wasn't fair. That didn't bother her a bit. It's who she was. So she smiled. "I know."

"Everyone plays!" Massey yelled in annoyance. "I just said that a few seconds ago!"

Scarlett raised a finger. "Actually-"

"I don't care!" Massey hissed before calming himself. "Here's the deal... again. Starting tomorrow, each employee will try new ways to get business into our store and away from that _new _book store across the street. We're losing money to that house of hell and I can't afford to pay _everyone. _So, the person who makes the least goes on a job hunt in the streets of town." Massey froze his glare in place and leaned over the desk to get in the faces of Scarlett and Noah. "Don't let that person be _you_."

"Oh, it won't, sir," Scarlett smiled, nodding in respect.

He turned to Noah, who shrugged. "Aye-aye, captain."

Massey sighed angrily and slammed his fist on the office desk, scattering papers across the floor. "Just get out of my office, _nerds_!"

Scarlett bowed and followed Noah outside, closing the door behind her.

"Well, I'm done for today," Noah told his opponent, stretching his arms.

"Really?" Scarlett asked in disbelief. "You mean you didn't give up when you started your shift at checkout?"

"Ha ha," Noah said sarcastically. "You're just lucky that I don't need this job. Winning should be easy for you if you don't stray too far outside the boundaries of the law."

"What?!" Scarlett gasped. "You don't need the job?! Then just quit and save my occupation. Unlike _you_, I _need_ to work here. It's a condition of my parole."

"And give up a chance to prove my superiority over you? No way, honey."

"But you don't like this job. Logically, quitting is the best option at this point."

Noah chuckled. "I only took this job because my lousy parents wanted me out of the house so I wouldn't laze around in my bed doing nothing all day. It means nothing to me."

"So now you slack around in a _chair _instead? Not surprising at all, given your anal nature and snobbery."

Both employees stopped walking and locked eyes.

"All _you _do is sit among the shelves and read anything within arms reach," Noah asserted. "Don't tell me about a snob. I actually talk to people."

"I do too," Scarlett hissed. It was obvious that she was starting to become unsettled. "You just never leave your chair enough to see it."

As Noah was about to retort, Mr. Massey's cacophonous voice echoed down the hall. "Shut up and work, dorks!"

"Yes, sir," Scarlett chimed back before turning to Noah. "Look, Noah, I need this job and nothing will take it from me. So, if you would be willing to stand in my way, I will do whatever it takes to crush you, atom by atom."

"Is that a challenge?" Noah asked slyly. "If it is, I'm ready for battle."

Scarlett flashed an evil grin. "Prepare to burn."

"Challenge accepted," Noah nonchalantly smiled back.

The two geniuses linked hands and eyes, shook on the deal, and departed for their respective shifts.

As Noah walked towards the checkout counter, he eagerly brushed his way past a line of customers and took a seat in his rolling chair. Without even once looking at the people in line, he grabbed his book and began to read the rest of the chapter as the customers' mouths dropped.

Scarlett took a seat on floor in the back of store and pulled a few books from the shelves. She opened a copy of _Dictatorships For Dummies _and flipped to the third chapter: _Torturing Prisoners. _

A small child of about seven years walked up and babbled. "Miss, can you help me find my mommy?"

Without speaking a word, Scarlett grabbed a book from the pile and tossed it at the child, hitting him square in the head and knocking him out cold, sending him toppling over.

She leaned back against the bookshelf and continued to read as Noah did the same.

"This is going to be too easy," both Noah and Scarlett whispered to themselves. "Winner's circle, here I come."

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><p><strong>~AN~ Well, I hope that turned out good with some laughs thrown in there. There will only be three chapters to this story, so the plot is pretty simple. Anyways, drop a review if you like it and don't hold back on the constructive criticism.**


	2. Chapter 2: The First Day

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing.**

**~A/N~ Many thanks to anyone who reviewed; you're all awesomely awesome! :D**

**I've been thinking about my "three chapter structure" and have decided to extend this story to five chapters overall. Anyways, enjoy!**

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><p><em>Brainiacs and Bookshelves<em>

_Chapter Two: The First Day_

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><p>Noah walked up to the front door of the book store and pulled his set of keys out of his pocket. His hands were shivering from the cold, winter air, so he scurried inside the building as soon as the door was unlocked.<p>

"Ah, another _glorious _day," Noah groaned, rubbing his eyes. He took his seat behind the check out counter and turned on his computer.

Suddenly, the smell of freshly baked pastries found it's way into the bookworm's nose and he suspiciously sniffed the air. A hint of coffee too. Noah stood up and peeked around the rows of shelves to find the source of the amazing smells.

"Good morning, associate," came a dry voice.

Noah turned around and saw Scarlett holding a box of donuts and a cup of steaming coffee. "Oh, it's just you," Noah shrugged. "Hey, are those donuts for me?"

"No," Scarlett hissed. "I bought these for Mr. Massey."

"Wow, what a butt kisser you are," Noah chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. "I don't think giving him stuff will help you keep your job."

"He's fat," Scarlett scoffed. "Overweight people love donuts and coffee; it's a psychological truth that has been officially tested by credible researchers."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "That's a stereotype; an offensive one at that. Sure, my chubby buddy Owen loves those things, but we're taking about a guy who eats dog food and toilet seats... and likes them. And Massey isn't even fat. He's just bulky."

"Say what you want, Noah. Just keep in mind that I'll be one step ahead of you in this competition until the final second: the moment when you get fired."

Noah took his seat in his favorite rolling chair and propped his legs on the front desk. "I'm not concerned about getting fired, but I _am _concerned about beating you. I do have a reputation among the fan base after all, and I'd hate to lose it."

"Speaking of fan bases, my own is actually quite large. If you want to stay popular, just let your feelings go on national television. It _really _helps stress as well. Anyways, I'm off to give these things to the boss. If you need me, I'll be in the main office." Scarlett smiled and walked off, leaving Noah to handle the register by himself, not that he cared.

"Suck up," he grumbled under his breath before turning his attention to the rival bookstore across the street: a quite large building with glowing lights and decorative architecture. Shadows could be seen moving within the store as the passed in front of the lights inside. People were casually walking in and out with books in their hands and smiles on their faces.

"Hmmm..." Noah tapped his chin and looked around the bookstore. No one was watching. He could leave if he wanted to without any immediate repercussions. And so he did.

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><p>Scarlett tapped on Massey's door.<p>

"Come in!" the burlesque man groaned loudly. Upon seeing Scarlett, he bit his lip and died a little on the inside. She was the last person, other than Noah and his mother-in-law, that he wanted to see in his office.

"What?" Massey groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Oh, nothing," Scarlett said in an innocent tone. "I was just wondering if you'd like a little... apology gift for what happened yesterday."

Massey squirmed in his seat and raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Uh, you do know that I'm a married man, right?"

"What?!" Scarlett snapped, her eyes filled with rage. "Not _that _kind of gift!"

She reached into the hall outside Massey's door and held out the box of donuts. "Look! Food!"

"Donuts?" he asked Scarlett, a smile forming on his face.

"Jelly filled..." Scarlett said, trying to calm herself down with deep breaths.

Massey groaned and rolled his eyes. "Nerdette, you know I hate jelly filled donuts! Get those things out of here!"

Scarlett's eye began to twitch as her hand clenched down on the box of pastries, nearly crushing it in her rage induced grip. "Then how about a sample of coffee from the ever-so-popular _Starbucks_?"

"What flavor?"

Scarlett reached into the hallway and presented her boss with the beverage. "Vanilla coconut cucumber... with baby tears."

Massey cautiously grabbed the cup from his worker and took a sip. He looked up at Scarlett and smiled. "Nice try, you suck up, but shitty coffee and jelly donuts aren't gonna save your job."

Scarlett calmly grabbed the gifts and stood straight, maintaining a proper posture. "I apologize for wasting forty-two seconds of your day."

Massey stayed quiet as Scarlett left his office, closing the door behind her. Once she was out in the hallway, Scarlett smashed the box of treats and the cup of bizarre coffee into the waste bin and began to huff and puff as her face turned beet red.

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><p>Noah slipped through the doorway as a bell that sounded like singing angels rang through the rows of shelves. Neon lights cast rays of color onto his caramel toned skin and reflected off his shades. His torso, and his uniform, were covered by a thick, brown coat.<p>

"Just a quick look-see and I'm out," he whispered to himself.

The undercover bookworm looked around the building, noticing how packed it was with people. Given that online books were the thing, Noah was genuinely shocked to see so many people hunting for physical copies.

After feeling around the shelves for a few minutes, a gasp sounded from behind him. Noah whipped himself around to come face-to-face with one of the store's employees.

The young man looked clean. His hair was short and kept tidy; his skin was smooth and glossy; his nose was free of stray hairs; a small bottle of hand sanitizer was tied to his belt.

"Dave?" Noah asked in surprise, looking at the man's name tag. "Uh, funny meeting you here," he said, chuckling nervously. "I, uh, saw you on the show."

"I know!" Dave squealed. "You don't know how big of a fan I am! I literally cried in the bathroom for hours when you got booted in Season 3. I washed my hands when I was done though, so, yeah!"

"So, uh, I guess you're a fan, huh?" Noah removed his shades and rolled his eyes. So much for his cover.

"_Huge_!" Dave said, waving his arms out by his sides. "You're like my idol!"

"Oh, that's nice," Noah said politely, yet with little heart. The thing about fame, to Noah at least, was that it was annoying. Autographs, interviews, girls wanting his phone number: all annoying. But the most annoying thing of all was the fan base. It's not that he hated attention, but with everyone treating him as a deity, Noah grew to despise it. And then there were the Daves of the world: wannabes who cracked terrible quips out of admiration. That, and Dave was flipping _insane_!

"Yeah," Dave smiled. "So what brings you here?"

"Oh, nothing much," Noah said, rolling his eyes. "Just business."

"_Total Drama _business?" the neat freak asked in a sly tone, trying to get the desired answer from his favorite celebrity.

"No," Noah stated bluntly. "Work business."

Dave grinned. "You're looking for a job here?!"

"No, just some... ideas."

Dave pulled his hand sanitizer out of his belt and squirted a bit into his hands. "About what?"

"I'd love to answer more of your questions, but do you mind if I ask _you _a question for once?" Noah crossed his arms and glared at Dave.

"Uh, sure. Anything."

"Good," Noah yawned. "Now, tell me something: how does this store make so much moolah?"

"I don't know," Dave shrugged. "We're pretty clean, so there's that. Oh, and we have cool lights."

"Great, that totally helped," Noah sighed. "Anything _useful_?"

Dave paused for a minute and stroked his shaven chin. "Nope. I don't think so."

Noah stretched his arms above his head and put his shades over his eyes. "Well, this trip was pointless. See ya' never."

As Noah tried to walk off, Dave stopped him with a tap on the back.

"Can I, uh, have an autograph on my bottle of sanitizer? Please!"

Noah frowned and put his hands on his hips. "Fine," he said in aggravation. "Just find me a pen."

"O-Oh," Dave stuttered. "Well, the only pens we have are kind of, uh, public, so germs, you know?"

Noah crossed his arms and tapped his foot, waiting for Dave to respond again.

"Fine," Dave sighed in defeat, pulling a latex glove from his pocket. "You leave me no choice."

Dave fetched a blue pen and rubbed it with sanitizer before handing it to Noah. "Quick, before the stuff wears off!"

Noah reluctantly signed the bottle to read "_Your sarcasm sucked. Take a class - Noah._"

Instead of being upset, Dave shuddered with excitement. To him, an insult from Noah was a gift from the heavens. "Thanks!" he cheered, cradling the bottle like a newborn child, his child.

"No problem, dude."

"Should I pay you? I have cash on me!"

"No, I'm..." Noah's brain hatched a great idea. "Sure," he concluded, smiling. "Twenty bucks!"

"Twenty bucks? For this?!" Dave bit his lip in concern for his wallet, unsure if he was getting a good deal. He pulled out the money anyways.

Noah gladly snapped the crisp bills from Dave's hand and stuffed them down his pockets. "Pleasure doin' business with ya'," he chuckled.

Dave let Noah walk off as he gazed in awe at his souvenir. The lines of the signature captured his eyes, causing them to move with the curves of each letter.

"Oh, bottle of Germ-X, never leave me!" Dave proclaimed to the tube of liquid.

Unfortunately, Dave's special moment was interrupted when one of his fellow workers approached him with grave news and a mop.

"Sorry, bro, but I got bad news," the young man groaned. "Someone did something to those air dryer things in the bathrooms and now there's... _something_ all over the place. It's pretty gross and, uh, I don't want to clean it. So, uh, here..."

The teen handed Dave the mop and quickly left the scene, leaving the germaphobe to wallow in disgust as he froze in terror, his eye twitching and his knees weakening. He looked at the small bottle of liquid in his hand and, in an intentional reference to one of his favorite films, sobbed a sorrowful phrase. "I'm gonna need a bigger bottle..."

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><p>Scarlett watched as Noah entered the bookstore and removed his pointless disguise. A growl escaped her mouth as she retreated into the maze of shelves.<p>

Clutching a few books in her hands, she sat down and began to read from the first book in the pile.

"_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only_."

Scarlett slammed the book shut and sighed. "How applicable."

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><p>The clock struck noon and the store came alive with employees scrambling for their lunches, firmly locked away inside the community refrigerator. The battle for food was long fought, but one lucky woman managed to get the last pudding cup by singlehandedly taking the competition out with a few jabs to their necks.<p>

Scarlett opened the cup of rich goodness and dug her spoon into the treat. Just as the bite reached her mouth, a snarky voice popped up out of nowhere.

"How's it going, _Scarlett Witch_?" Noah asked with a laugh. "Made any dough yet, or did the victims get away?"

Scarlett swallowed and turned away so she didn't have to look Noah in the eye. She delicately placed another spoonful in her mouth.

"If you don't want talk, that's fine by me," Noah said, opening the refrigerator and pulling out a small, brown, paper sack. "I really don't have time to talk anyways with money flying into my small, horribly stitched pockets."

Scarlett gagged and whirled around in shock. "You made money?! How?!"

"Exploitation, my good lass," Noah chuckled taking a bite out of his sandwich. "Come and see for yourself."

Scarlett hurried behind Noah and was met with a large line of shoppers, eagerly waiting at the checkout counter. A large picture of Noah's smirking face rested on the counter and read "_Total Drama's Noah! Autographs with purchases of $20 or greater! Get 'em while they're snarky!_"

Scarlett felt her heart drop. Until now, she'd been sure of her victory over Noah. She knew how to play with people's heads and get what she wanted. She knew how to make money fast. She knew how to win a case in court... as the _defendant. _But now, Noah had sprung ahead by doing nothing but sitting on his ass and reading books. She was raging inside.

Noah took his seat behind the counter and smiled at the woman at the front of the line. "Sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am. Now, who do I make this out to?"

"Debbie," the woman said with little breath left in her body as she fiddled with her black curls, handing Noah the money with her other hand.

"There," the bookworm said, handing her the signed slip of paper and winking at Scarlett, who's face was red with frustration.

Debbie looked at her autographed paper and squealed. It read "_Insert sarcastic remark here - Noah." _She squealed again and ran outside, waving her arms like Izzy on drugs.

"Next," Noah said calmly.

Scarlett pushed her way through the line and slammed her hands on the counter in front of Noah. "What is this!?" she asked, glaring at Noah.

"An autograph booth," Noah smiled. "I normally hate fame, but now that I can make money with it, I'm loving it more than McDonald's claimed I would love the McGriddle at 5 AM. Spoiler alert: _it blew_."

"I don't care about fast food with poor nutritional values; I care about how you did all of... this."

"Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett," Noah chuckled. "A magician never reveals his tricks. For someone with an IQ as large as yours, I thought you'd know that."

Suddenly, a young man tapped Scarlett on the arm. "Hey, lady, can I get my autograph now, or are you just-"

Scarlett snapped and grabbed the boy by the throat, hoisting him an inch or two off the ground. "You'll wait for your turn if you know what's good for you," Scarlett hissed.

The boy nodded and Scarlett dropped him. She turned to Noah and glared at the smirking bookworm.

"Prepare yourself," she said, grinding her teeth. "Day one might be nearly over, but you would wise to pay full attention to your back. Tomorrow is when things get real, and you don't want to be a target."

Scarlett walked away after a moment of silence, leaving Noah to rub his chin, wondering if he should take precautions. Scarlett was a psycho after all.

However, he quickly the subject out of his mind and went back to signing autographs and pocketing money, twenty bucks at a time.

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><p><strong>~AN~ Sorry that this was a bit late. I'll try to get the next part out sooner than this one did, but enough of that. Leave a review if you enjoyed or have any complaints. Constructive criticism is always welcome in my neck of the woods. :)**


	3. Chapter 3: Tension

**~A/N~ Chapter 3 is here and I'm hyped to get this ball swinging, so let's not waste any time with petty intros and get on with the funny.**

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><p><em>Brainiacs and Bookshelves<em>

_Chapter Three: Tension_

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><p>The store had only been open for a few minutes and people were already lined up to get signed 'quips' from Noah. Men, women, teens, children, grannies, everyone. The line was moving fast, or at least it would have been if Noah had actually been at his station. Instead, the line of eager fans had grown to stretch past the counter and outside into the elements.<p>

As the line grew even further, Noah was discussing his profits with Mr. Massey and showing off his money-making skills.

"So you made four hundred bucks... With autographs?" Massey asked in disbelief as he reluctantly swiped pile of cash from Noah's hand.

"Uh, what did I just tell you?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"You were supposed to sell _books,_ not signatures!"

"Oh, sorry," Noah apologized for the misunderstanding. "The signatures came with twenty-dollar purchases. See how it works now?"

"Yeah," Massey grunted. "I guess you did fine."

"_Fine_?" Noah asked, almost offended by Massey's diction. "What you mean by _fine_?"

Massey sighed. "Noah, I pay you and every other slime ball ten bucks an hour. Do the math!"

Noah wrote air numbers with his fingers and hummed the formulas to himself. "Oh, that's... Not as much as you wanted, is it?"

Massey shook his head, keeping his eyes locked on the disappointed employee.

"Well, I'll get on it. If today's as good for profits as yesterday, then you'll have enough to buy your own island within the next week."

"You have two days," Massey reminded Noah. "Remember that _everyone _has their eyes on the prize, not just you. Scarlett, Keith, Leslie, Aaron, Taylor, Baylor, Samantha, and Dumb Louis all want their jobs more than you do, and so far, you're still not in the lead."

Noah gasped. "How's four hundred not enough to take first place? Did Louis threaten to read people books again? I'm just asking because his speech problem is more annoying than stomach cramps, and not to mention _suicide inducing_!"

"Actually, our leader is Scarlett, much to your dismay I suppose."

Noah groaned and leaned back. "As much I hope that's a joke, it's not, is it?"

"Six hundred in one day is no joke, egghead," Massey chuckled. "Her work ethic is astounding when she's not around you."

"Har-dee har har," Noah mumbled. "How did she even make that much anyhow? It's not like people actually wanted to seen around her."

"She never said. Apparently it was too much of a secret."

"Which could mean she did anything to get it. You know, robbing a bank, murdering the rich, donating her eggs to science, breaking into _Fort Knox_!"

"Hey, I don't know how she got it, but it's money that we need, and so far, you're nearing the bottom, so chop chop!" Massey clapped his hands and shooed Noah out of his office.

Noah snorted. "Chop chop' my ass."

"Interesting turn of events, wouldn't you agree?" came a snarky voice.

Noah turned to see Scarlett twiddling her thumbs and smiling. "Oh look, it's the... You know what? I don't even care anymore. I just need to beat you to pulp in the contest and enjoy the rest of the week playing _Five Night's Freddy's_."

Scarlett snickered. "Even if you outplay me, the odds are that neither you nor I will be fired. So, logically you're wasting your efforts by even trying anymore."

"It _never was _about anyone losing their job," Noah said as he pushed past Scarlett. "I only wanted to beat you and prove that I'm the better worker."

"And so you won't..." Scarlett grinned, earning a roll of the eyes from her partner.

Noah took his seat and started signing the next round of autographs. Unfortunately for him though, Scarlett decided to follow him to his desk with a plan in mind.

"There you go," Noah said, handing the teen in line his slip of paper as he walked out with his handful of books. "Stay sarcastic, my man."

Before Noah could address the next person in the line, Scarlett cleared her throat and everyone's eyes shot over to her. "Attention, patrons," she smirked. "Why pay so much for so little when you could pay not one hundred percent, not seventy-five percent, but _fifty _percent of the full price for those books in your hands at no extra charge?!"

The customers suddenly left the line in front of Noah, much to his chagrin, and gathered around a smirking Scarlett. Noah tried to get up and follow, but tripped on a stack of books that he had piled up under the counter for future readings.

"Alright, patrons, listen closely." The customers became enveloped in interest as Scarlett led them to a large object, covered by a large, white sheet. "This is the newest feature here at 'Barney's Books' and you are the first to lay your eyes on it's glory."

"The real first?!" a rather large teen with acne gasped from the front of the crowd.

"Correct," Scarlett replied, gripping the tarp. "Now, feast your corneas on the latest feature at our store..." She yanked the tarp off, revealing a bin of books, haphazardly tossed inside. "The bargain bin!"

The crowd rushed forward and Scarlett was thrown aside as the customers, tugged their way through each other to get 'good reads at good prices,' exactly what the store's slogan promised.

Noah hobbled to Scarlett's side and groaned. "Nice move, psycho chick."

"Why, thank you," the young woman smiled. "I pride myself on the quality of my plans."

"Cool, but is it cool enough to make another six hundred bucks?"

"Of course," Scarlett scoffed. "It's no door to door sale, but it'll do for now."

Noah shook his head. "Door to door sales, eh? So that's how you made so much! Let me guess, there was a gun involved?"

"Only when necessary, my dear Noah, only when necessary."

"Go figure, but I think there's one small problem with this bargain bin crap," Noah winked at Scarlett.

"Enlighten me," Scarlett hissed.

"Well..." Noah walked into the dispersing crowd and pulled a copy of 'The Hunger Games' out of the pile. He flipped it over and chuckled as he read the price tag.

"Yes?" Scarlett impatiently asked as she began to grind her teeth.

"These books are full priced!" Noah blurted out as loud as he could, laughing between words. "You're a sham!"

"Shut up!" Scarlett gasped with a terrified expression plastered over her face. "You have no proof!"

"Dude, look at the price tag!" Noah laughed as a plethora of customers gathered behind him to get a small look. "These aren't half priced!"

Suddenly, the customers flung their books back into the bargain bin and stormed off, leaving Scarlett fuming mad and Noah a smirking weasel.

"How dare you!" Scarlett grabbed Noah by the collar of his shirt and heaved the shocked brainiac off the ground. "I had it all planned out!"

"Except for the part where I humorously expose your scam to the entire consumer body," Noah added. "That's pretty important, you know?"

Scarlett dropped Noah and clenched her fists. "It's not over yet. I still have a significant lead and you're out of ideas! In only a mere thirty-six hours, I will have gained the title of employee of the week and you will be the laughing stock of the town; the butt of every joke!"

Noah stood up and grunted as Scarlett walked away, stomping her feet. "Yeah, well, I'm going to play my 'Five Nights at Freddy's' so I don't care!"

Scarlett flipped him off and continued walking. Noah shrugged and calmed himself before returning to his station to sign more autographs and relax by the computer.

"No ideas?" Noah chuckled. "Oh, don't worry, Scarlett. My sleeves are full of 'em." He picked up his phone and typed a number, waited for an answer and grinned.

* * *

><p>After the lunch break ended, Scarlett walked up to Noah and smirked. "So, how did your latest signing go?"<p>

"Two hundred bucks," Noah said as his eyes flicked across his computer screen. "I can't talk; I'm on the fifth night and Balloon Boy's being a douche."

"What?" Scarlett asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is that the _Five Nights At Chucky's _thing you were talking about?"

"It's _Freddy's,_ but yes, it is!" Noah clicked furiously as Scarlett watched him play with an unimpressed, blank stare on her face.

"Video games are a waste of time," the female genius rolled her eyes. "Studies show that they rot brain cells and lead to significant spikes in violent activities within the adolescent, male group."

"So does _Total _Drama, but please shut it. I only have one hour to go and that music box is being _very _uncooperative right now!"

Scarlett continued to observe her coworker click all over the screen and she smiled a wicked grin. Being a master of psychology, she figured that Noah's vain nature and love of distractions would allow her to slip ahead, and the game he was playing was the key to her victory.

Noah cheered as he beat the game, pumping his fists in the air and chuckling like a madman. "Four days! Four days of sweat and I've finally bested you!" He tapped the screen as Scarlett smirked. "What?" he asked her. "Did you think I'd fail?"

"No. I just thought of a rather interesting idea." She turned and walked away as Noah cautiously rubbed his chin.

Before Scarlett could retreat into the maze of bookshelves, her ears met the sound of squealing brakes and crashing. She whipped herself around and gasped as she saw the scene outside the store window.

A small, black car had slammed into a larger truck, denting it's tailgate and the car's hood, but not enough to total it completely. The door of the car flung open and a small, pudgy teen with pale skin and purple hair emerged. "Max..." Scarlett hissed as she dove behind the bookshelves and watched from behind.

Max stormed inside and turned his gaze to Noah as he crossed his arms in frustration. "You, do-gooder with poor taste in computer games, where is my sidekick?!"

"Uh, it's Noah," he grumbled.

"Oh, sorry, but Evil has no time for names, even those of fellow Total Drama veterans. Now tell me where my sidekick has taken shelter or I will be forced to use force... Evil force!" Max shook his fist menacingly, but Noah snickered and tried to hold back his laughter. Never before has he seen such a failure of a person.

"Never mind!" Max groaned, a hint of anger in his voice. "I'll just use my sidekick call; it works every time!"

Max inhaled deeply and touched his palms together, lowering them to his waist and before snapping his eyes open and screaming, "_Sidekicksidekicksidekicksidekicksidekicksidekick!_"

Noah finally laughed and Max shot him a glare. "How dare you disrespect my technique! Maybe I should do it again..."

"Once was enough!" Scarlett grunted as she emerged from her hiding spot with her hands over her ears. "Now just tell me what you need!"

"Well," Max explained. "This fine gentleman to my right, Noah, hit me up with a short call and relayed to me the message that you were performing deeds of the most _evil _caliber. Is this true?"

Scarlett clenched her fists by her sides and hissed. "If winning a stupid game is _evil, _then sure."

Max gasped gleefully. "Games? I love games! What are you playing?"

"Life," Noah snickered.

"Silence, fool!" Max threatened Noah. The bookworm didn't even react.

"So, I suppose you brought your self out here to out-evil me, correct?" Scarlett tapped her foot on the floor and her blood began to boil.

"Good observation, sidekick. You're more smarter than I had expected."

"Uh, it's actually _smarter_, not _more smarter,_" Noah interrupted.

Max ignored the Grammar-Nazi and smirked at his former teammate. "So, if you want to leave this dump and join me in my bid to rule the world, you can. All you have to do is admit that you are by far the less evilest of the both of us."

Noah cringed at Max's grammar but didn't feel like speaking up; it's not like it would actually make a difference.

"I decline," the psycho snarled as her face turned red. "Leave. Now!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, sidekick. I drove four hours in my high chair for this, and I'm not returning without vittles."

"Food?" Scarlett hissed.

"Uh, you. Duh! Maybe you shouldn't be so foolish and get into the current lingo if you're going to help me rule the world, foolish sidekick."

Scarlett's eye twitched and her teeth chattered as rage filled her every fiber. Then she snapped.

Max tried to speak again, but a hand wrapped it's tendrils around what little neck he had and hoisted him into the air.

* * *

><p>As the ambulance drove off with sirens blazing, Scarlett and Noah, along with the rest of the employees, walked back inside the store.<p>

Massey stopped Scarlett in her tracks and sighed. "Well, you just blew your money. Do you realize how much that money it's gonna take to clean the stains out of the carpet?!"

"Plenty," Scarlett hung her head. "But you should blame Noah; he called the man-child in the first place."

"But Noah didn't get _blood _on the carpet, now did he?!"

"No."

Massey grunted. "Just get out of my sight. You have one day left and you're gonna need a miracle to get that money back." He stormed off, leaving a depressed Scarlett and a smirking Noah standing at the entrance as the sun set.

"Good work," Noah quipped sarcastically. "You might've killed a guy... teen... baby, and lost all your hard work in one short minute. Congrats."

Noah walked off as Scarlett sighed. Her built up anger was finally released, but she never thought it would play out like it did. All she could see were images in her mind: Max crying like a baby; Max bleeding from his nose; Max bleeding from his cheek; Max in the stretcher; Max in a hospital bed with stitches all over his body. However, she enjoyed these visions. Max wasn't going to die. That was something she was sure of. But losing her job was the only problem on her mind. She loved what she did and needed it to stay sane. The only thing in her way was Noah, her tormentor. Yet, even with all the arrogance in the world, he was still a sort of friend to her. Having someone smart in school and on the streets was a relief, even though he made her want to rip her scarlet hair out of her scalp.

Noah sighed as he watched Scarlett sit down behind the bookshelves and bury her hands in her lap as her eyes closed. He couldn't explain it, but he felt almost sorry for what happened. He and Scarlett weren't complete enemies, even if they squabbled from time to time. In fact, Scarlett's presence made Noah happy, for she was always there to poke at and was easy pickings at any time of the day. He knew she was the smartest person he had ever met, and he respected her intellect, even she was an unstable psycho who slapped kids into submission and clawed man-children to near death.

Both geniuses sighed and stood up. Noah grabbed his keys and walked over to the door to leave the store and looked back. Scarlett walked over to the door that led to the storage room and locked eyes with Noah. Neither smiled nor frowned, but retained their blank expressions as they left each other's sight.

One day remained.

* * *

><p><strong>~AN~ Max didn't die, people. Just to be clear, he's not dead, just... hurting. But that's what happens when Scarlett explodes in a T-rated story compared to a cartoon. **

**That last bit was more serious than funny, but it hopefully the jokes were good enough to garner a few laughs. Leave a review telling me your thoughts if you wish and hit that follow button so you won't miss the last two chapters. Until next time, stay snarky! ;)**


	4. Chapter 4: All Out War

**~A/N~ It's the penultimate chapter! Special thanks to The Sarcasm Master, Applause2014, Bardic Jester (thanks for the tips!), The Abysswalker, and Creaturemaster for being dedicated, regular reviewers and thanks to anyone else who took time out of their day to drop a review. So, without anymore stalling, enjoy (and maybe leave a review :3)!**

* * *

><p><em>Brainiacs and Bookshelves<em>

_Chapter Four: All Out War_

* * *

><p>Noah reluctantly guided the elderly shopper through the rows of shelves as the man limped behind on his cane. Normally, Noah would have turned up his nose at helping customers while he was reading or playing a game, but something about the old man was different. He'd struck the younger male as someone he <em>had to help <em>and not an annoying soccer mom in search of whatever old novel her son needed for Grade Nine English Class. And of course, that was because the old man was particularly more violent than others, surprising given has fragile appearance and cane that acted as a versatile weapon in certain situations.

Noah shifted through the books as the old man scoffed. "What's wrong? Can't find it, _button masher_?"

"Don't call me that, dude," Noah groaned. "If you ever actually _played _a video game, you'd be eating those words with a side of _I told ya' so_, so shut it and let me find your stupid book already."

The elderly man scoffed again. "You call _that _an insult? Back in the war, the commies spewed insults _ten times _as hurtful as your petty remarks."

The bookworm sighed and looked back at the old man. "First you told me you were a has-been author, and now you fought in a war? What else did you do, invent the internet with Al Gore?"

"I don't even get com-pooters, just like how I don't get why you stopped looking for my book?"

"Do you even remember the name?" Noah asked as his eyes rolled almost by themselves.

The old man thought for a minute and snorted. "No, but it'll come to me in a while if you stop talking."

"How delightful."

Silence followed and Noah's mind slowly moved to the topic of Scarlett. He'd only seen her once at opening time and never again. Inside, he felt as if she was plotting something against him or the boss, but he quickly set those ideas aside when the old man shook his head in denial.

"Great," Noah let out a tired groan. "So what now?"

"I don't know, recommend something that I'll like!" The man raised his cane and smacked Noah in his arm with enough force to make the employee cringe in pain.

"Well, what _do_ you like? I'm no mind reader, ya' old..." Noah stopped mid-sentence to avoid upsetting the customer even further.

"Ya' got anything with pretty, naked women?" the man asked with an optimistic smile scrawled across his wrinkled face.

"No," Noah replied without changing his expression. "If you want that, the internet is the place for you."

"Fine, but what about books about the Nazis?"

Noah smiled. "How about some of _my _favorites, huh?" He pulled out a couple books and showed them off. "How about this one: _How To Avoid Work _by William J. Reilly? It's a huge inspiration to everyone who reads it. Trust me when I say that this baby is the key to living a good life."

The old man slapped the book out of Noah's palms. "I hate non-fiction! I want a good story."

"Okay, then read this one," he growled pulling up a hardback copy of _The Hunger Games_.

The elderly gentleman propped his glasses on his nose and squinted to read the title before scoffing. "No! I hated that movie! Just forget it then." The man walked by, shoving Noah into the shelves. "Barney's Books sucks; I'm going to that other store across the street where the service is _good_!"

Noah stood up. "Yeah, well good luck crossing the street, you old bag of bones. And by the way, the _book is better_!"

The man flipped him off and Noah stomped his foot before walking off to the restrooms to gather his thoughts. Surprisingly enough, he actually wanted to find Scarlett. At least to him, her annoying tendencies could be countered by witty quips and retorts. He didn't have to wait long, as Scarlett was quick to enter the bathroom seconds after he did.

"Noah," she said politely, nodding respectfully and walking to the sink beside his. She turned on the hot water and washed a black tar-like substance off of her fingers.

"What is that mess?" Noah asked suspiciously. "Oil?"

"Nothing for you to be concerned about," Scarlett smirked, causing the bookworm to mumble something under his breath.

"If you're delighted that your plan to annoy me with the use of Max was more successful than you'd planned for it to be, go ahead and say it. I'm not upset. In fact, I've already given up all hope of keeping this job entirely."

"I'm sorry," Noah said with melancholy. "I might've acted a bit selfish yesterday, but it was in the name of comedy, a joke."

"So, you apologize for defeating me in the contest?"

"I'm apologizing for letting the game get to my head. That's all. It's not too often that I compete in something I'm good at that's not a game tournament of some sort. It sucks that I beat you like I did though."

"I have no hard feelings against you, Noah. You pulled a smart and objectively genius move and now I'm done for unless I can get enough money to get out of last place in less than a few hours. It's a good thing that I have a plan though."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "Really? You have a plan? It's day three, Scarlett. The game's over in, like, six hours. I'm sorry, but there's no winning this now."

Scarlett turned off the hot water and stood straight like a soldier ready to march into a battle. "We'll see at noon." She walked out of the bathroom and left Noah dumbfounded, wondering if Scarlett was going to try anything dangerous. She was an attempted murderer after all. Hell, for all he knew, she could've actually killed someone in her sixteen years of living.

* * *

><p>Scarlett approached the door to the storage room with great caution, making sure she was alone before opening the door and squirming inside. The room was like any other storage room. Boxes of junk and old merchandise were stacked upon each other haphazardly. The floor was covered in rat droppings and dead insects. The bulb that lighted the small room was flickering on and off as if the thing was nearly out of juice. In one corner, a large object of about six feet in height was covered in a ghostly, white sheet with stains of yellow and green dotting it every few inches. Scarlett approached the object and slowly lifted the cloth enough to reveal a form. Two withered legs stuck out from a flat bottom, the entire thing coated in a hard plastic. Above the legs was a small panel of buttons and slots.<p>

Scarlett smiled as she pulled a small computer chip out of her uniform pocket. She looked over the dollar sized object in her hands before gently sliding it into the slot on the panel and pulling the cloth back over the pair of legs. She stood up and gave the covered form a pat. "In time, my friend, you shall become a star. It's time for your big reveal."

* * *

><p>The entire staff, including Mr. Massey, had gathered outside to witness the unveiling of Scarlett's latest money-making scheme. She had spread the word rather quickly and the rest of the employees were eager to see her genius manifested into something physical.<p>

A man of about twenty years or so with black hair and glasses approached Noah, who was showing his boredom with a dull frown. "So, Noah. You, uh, know what she's doing?"

"No, Leslie," he replied, rolling his eyes in the typical fashion. "I really don't care either."

"Oh," the man replied. "Well, do you have any ideas?"

"No. Now go away, Leslie, I'm bored and I _really _don't want to upgrade to _suicidal _today."

Leslie retreated behind the crowd of employees and Noah rubbed his tired eyes. The group had been waiting for twenty minutes and Scarlett hadn't shown herself, so the cold wind was beginning to cause sore eyes, runny noses, and hypothermia.

Suddenly, the doors flew open and Scarlett appeared, wheeling the large, covered object out behind her. She closed double doors behind her and turned the group of fellow employees, clearing her throat to gain their attention.

"Welcome, all. It's nice to see a full house so eager to-"

"We're cold! Get it over with!" Mr. Massey grumbled. "Or maybe I can just fire you on the spot, seeing as you're dead last with only an hour left."

Scarlett's eye twitched a bit as she sighed angrily. "Just... Give me a few minutes."

Massey crossed him arms and continued shivering.

"Alright, fellow employees of _Barney's Books_, I'm sure you're all wondering what's under this fabric. Am I right?"

The group nodded together, expect for Noah who yawned.

"Good, but for now, I have a short tale that needs a teller: yours truly. After a night of internet research and a few mishaps with a fellow employee, I've discovered that this store was previously owned by a Mr. Barney Holder: a self-made man with a love for books and the children interested in reading them. However, Mr. Barney Holder died of a heart attack seventeen years ago and his store was shut down, only to be reopened with a much smaller budget. Certain luxuries were cut, including the employee lounge, children's section, and the company mascot. Now, I gather you here to bring new life to Barney's Books and watch as I retain my position as an employee here. But, before I reveal my plan, I have one person to thank for this genius idea: Noah."

Noah gasped suspiciously. "Uh... What?!"

"That's right, your mindless horror games inspired me to rejuvenate the company mascot, for children love mascots of every shape and size. Yes, _you and video games _are the key to my glamorous triumph. Because of you, this is possible." She returned her attention to the full crowd, now with multiple pedestrians joining in on the event, including children. "And now, without further complication, I present to you the new mascot of our store: Barney!"

The cloth was snapped off of the figure, revealing a work of horror. The thing resembled a large, tan, book, but it had been anthropomorphized and given legs, a face, and arms. The legs were withered and covered in torn, blue cloth. At the base of each leg was a giant, black clownish shoe. The arms were long and torn, revealing pieces of mechanical parts that included gears, hinges, and other animatronic devices. But the creepiest part of the robot was the face: a pair of bugged eyes with large pupils that followed you no matter where to moved, and below the eyes: a curved mouth with rosy cheeks and buck teeth.

Noah cringed and shuddered. "Yeah, uh, pardon me asking, but _what the actual fuck is that?!_"

"Our new mascot," Scarlett smirked. "It took a few hours to put back together, but I can assure you that it can perform it's duties properly."

"And what's it's duty, giving kids seizures?" Noah asked as the pedestrians in the group slowly walked off covering their kid's eyes and ears. "Seriously, Scarlett. That thing is creepy as hell."

"Oh, please, Noah," Scarlett scoffed. "You're just envious of my skills with technology. All you can do is click buttons and the like."

Noah tried to speak back, but Massey pushed him aside. "As creepy as that _thing _is, I need to know if it works. Can we have a demonstration?"

"Of course, Mr. Massey. Right away." Scarlett pulled a handheld remote from her pocket and turned it on. The eyes of the robot responded by glowing blue. She pushed up on one of the joysticks and the robot lifted it's arms. Then she pushed on another joystick and the animated book took a step forward.

Scarlett then pushed a green button on the shoulder of the remote and the robot spoke in a creepy, crackling, deep voice. "Hi, kiddies. Barney loves booooooooooooks. Do _yoooooouuuuuu_ love boooooooooks?"

Scarlett grunted and fiddled with the remote as she tried to explain. "It's a bug in the system. I'll try to see if fixable, so just hang on for a few seconds."

"I've seen enough," Massey said. "The only thing that _this_ thing is good at is _scarring_ kids and me as well. Sorry, Scarlett, but I think you're done."

Scarlett stopped handling the remote and looked up slowly with a look of dread on her face. She looked at Barney the Book and back at the remote.

"What?" Massey laughed. "Ya' gonna cry? Say something already!"

Noah backed away as Scarlett smiled a wicked grin as removed her glasses, causing her calm appearance to fade into creepiness. "No, Mr. Massey. I'm not the one who's done. You are." Scarlett shoved down on the remote's red button and the robot's eye turned red. "This'll teach you to screw _me _over!" She pushed both joysticks forward and the giant book rushed forward. Massey screamed and ran down the sidewalk with the killer machine close behind him as the rest of the employees watched in terror.

Noah ran up to Scarlett as she controlled the machine and tried to grab the remote from her hands, but the psycho fought back. "Get off of me, rat!" she grumbled, pushing Noah to the ground.

"You have to stop!" Noah shouted. "Now!"

"Why, so you can mock my failure again? No chance!"

Noah turned his head to see Massey in the hands of the robot and looked back at Scarlett. "Look at what you're doing! You're killing him!"

"Of course I am!" Scarlett chuckled. "If I'm going down, I'm going down with a bang!"

Noah knew this had to stop immediately, and did the only thing he could. The bookworm rushed Scarlett, taking her to ground as the other employees gasped in horror at the events unfolding. Upon hitting the asphalt, Scarlett dropped the remote into the street.

The psycho brought herself to her feet and tried to retrieve her controller, but Noah grabbed her foot, tripping her. Unfortunately for Noah, Scarlett was equipped with high heels and jabbed Noah in the cheek, but unfortunately for Scarlett, she was too late. The remote was crushed under the force of a speeding car.

"No!" Scarlett cried out. "No!"

"Hah," Noah laughed, rubbing his sore cheek. "You failed!"

Scarlett walked towards Noah, seething with anger, but soon gasped as she saw her machine drop Massey and turn itself around to face it's master, it's eyes still red as blood.

"Oh-"

"Shit! Run!" Noah screamed as the anthropomorphic book began to chase them down the street in a case on ironic justice for Scarlett and pure terror for Noah.

Massey stood up and gasped for air as he watched the killer machine pursue his least favorite employees down the city sidewalk. "Nerds," he mumbled in disgust.

* * *

><p><strong>~AN~ I know it's weird, but come on, it's **_**weird**_**! I can understand if this chapter didn't make too much sense, but it's not supposed too at this point; it's nonsensical humor, and that's how I write comedy. Thanks for sticking with me thus far, and I hope you enjoyed this penultimate chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Next time: the finale. :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Ashes

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing.**

**~A/N~ Well, it's been a good month and a half, but all good things must come to end eventually, including this story. It's sad, I know, but enjoy the finale and tell me what you thought! Also, happy New Year's Day to everyone who might be celebrating today! :)**

* * *

><p><em>Brainiacs and Bookshelves<em>

_Chapter Five: Ashes_

* * *

><p>Scarlett and Noah ran. Well, Scarlett ran. Noah struggled to keep up and kept at a light jog with his arms held at chest level, 'running' like a girl.<p>

"Wait!" he screamed in desperation as the giant robotic book closed in just a few meters behind him. "Don't leave me to die!"

Scarlett didn't look back, but made a sharp turn into an alleyway where she disappeared from sight. Noah followed her and took refuge behind a rusty dumpster. He looked at Scarlett with an angry pout. "Nice going, psycho bitch. You just got us killed."

"It's not my fault the animatronic is malfunctioning; you broke my controller!"

"Well, at least I didn't built that death machine in the first place!" Noah whispered bitterly.

"I would never have built it had you not been such a smartass!"

"You know, since I'm dying today, I'll take that as a _compliment_!"

Suddenly, the dumpster was pushed aside with a metallic squeal striking the pair's eardrums like nails on a chalkboard. Above them was the robot, it's eyes glowing red. The duo screamed and rolled away from one of it's punches before running out of the alley, side by side, and back towards their store.

"Why is that hunk of junk after _us_?!" Noah gasped for breath.

"I don't know!" Scarlett screamed back. "Just run!"

"Where?!" Noah asked, his legs growing weaker by the second.

"Somewhere hot! The machine uses heat sensing technology to navigate and search for targets that move. When you broke the remote, it must've corrupted the signal and told it to attack anything warm that moves at all."

"That's why it didn't attack the other employees," Noah said, sure of his hypothesis. "They weren't moving!"

"So, we just have to run into a crowd of innocent civilians and we'll be okay? Sounds like a plan I can get behind." Scarlett grinned wickedly.

"No!" Noah shouted, scolding his partner. "We're not sacrificing pedestrians!"

"Fine, but where is a place with significant waves of heat?"

Noah pondered for a moment and looked back at the robot a few dozen meters behind them and closing in fast. Then it hit him. "Follow me!" He grabbed Scarlett's arm by the sleeve of her shirt and pulled her into the street. Cars screeched to a stop as the pair made a mad dash across to the other side, and quite a few drivers backed up into other cars when the robot followed.

"Where are we going!?" Scarlett asked to bookworm, now slowing to a stop.

"You'll see," Noah said, pulling Scarlett down the sidewalk until he stopped in front of a door.

Scarlett looked across the street to see _Barney's Books_, meaning one thing: "You brought me to the _other store_? Why?!"

Noah opened the door. "No time to ask questions! Get inside!" Scarlett followed him through and slammed the door shut.

"Barricade it!" Noah told her, pointing to a display shelf by the front window. Scarlett followed his command and joined him in pushing it across the carpeted floor until it covered the double doors entirely.

Noah wiped the drops of sweat from his brow until a familiar voice greeted him from behind.

"You're back!" Dave squealed. "Can I get-"

"Ugh, it's _you_!" Scarlett cringed. She turned to Noah. "Why is this crybaby here?!"

"Once again, no time to explain, just hide!" Noah shouted before diving behind the front counter with Scarlett and Dave right behind him.

"So, uh, why did you barricade the door?" Dave asked nervously. "It's an army of fan-girls, right?" He winked, nudging Noah in the arm.

"No!" Scarlett groaned. "We're hiding from-"

A crash echoed through the deserted store as the trio cringed, Dave nearly wetting himself in shock as he peeked over the counter to see the giant, robotic book scanning the store.

"What is that?!" the germ-fearing teen gasped before Noah pulled him back down.

"Shut it, wimp," the egghead hissed. "It sees heat, so stay down!"

Scarlett then realized what Noah had planned. The store was covered in neon lights and fancy upgrades that would confuse the machine, allowing them both to escape. She told this interpretation to Noah who nodded.

"All we do is wait for an opening," Noah explained. "Then, we run for the high hills and never look back. That thing doesn't appear to have anything with range, so-"

Suddenly, a beam of light flashed, creating a fire on the shelves above the heads of the teens.

Noah glared at Scarlett. "Seriously?! _Laser vision_?!"

"The model was broken down when I found it. I replaced parts with those from my own creations, including the eyes and software."

Dave quickly butted in. "Hey, Noah, I know it's a bad time and all, but I'd love it if you reviewed some of my jokes real quick."

"Now?" Noah groaned. "We're kinda, y'know, _running for our lives _at the moment."

"Will you help us get out if he does?" Scarlett asked, her arms crossed.

"Sure," Dave agreed, a smile on his face.

"No!" Noah exclaimed. "No way am I listening to this."

"Great!" Dave said, getting all giddy and eager. "How's this one?" He cleared his throat as Noah rolled his eyes, frowning. "A man walks up to me and asks me if I'd like to try lion meat. So, I tell him 'Who'd eat a lion?' in a sarcastic tone. Huh? Good, right?"

"Go die," Noah deadpanned as the robot smashed it's fists into the moving contraptions on the walls of the store, attracting the attention of the group.

"Should we go?" Scarlett asked, looking down at the bookworm.

"Not yet, but I have an idea. There aren't many _moving _lights in here, so, Dave, how'd you like to prove your status as a Noah fan?" He winked at the fan-boy. Dave squealed in delight. "Swell. Now, all you have to do is step out of this hiding spot and lure the robot to the back of the store. Hard?"

"Uh, no, but-"

"Good. Now go!" Noah shoved him over the counter in straight into the giant book's view before smiling at Scarlett. "Good riddance, huh?" She nodded in agreement.

Dave stood up and became drenched in fear as the machine scanned him. The eyes of the robot flashed and Dave screaming, running down the aisles of shelves with the mascot right behind him, shooting lasers at his head and burning off his silky, black hair... again. The crybaby grabbed his scalp and cried out. "Nooooooooooo!"

It was at this point that Noah and Scarlett slowly crawled out from under the counter and made their way towards the door. Unfortunately, Dave decided to do the same and crashed through the duo on his way out.

"Back across the street!" Noah shouted as another laser shot over his head. He and Scarlett stumbled over the pile of broken wood and metal as the robot grabbed at her shoe. Scarlett pulled away and ran head first into heavy traffic with Noah close behind.

"We can't keep running like this," he said. "We have to take that thing out somehow."

"Well, do you have any other plans up your stuffy sleeves?" Scarlett responded. "How do you kill robots in your game?"

"You don't; they kill _you_! You built it; you should know how to take it down."

The duo entered their own bookstore and hid behind the shelves. Scarlett sighed. "The only way to stop it is to remove the programming chip from the control panel on it's back. However, the odds of actually doing so are slim with it moving as it is."

Noah perked at the sound of clanking that was growing closer and closer. "We need to do something fast. It's totally gonna find us if we stay here."

"I know, but give me time to think!"

Noah tapped his chin and sighed. "Maybe we could pin it down."

"No, it's too strong to pin down, even with something heavy. And we have no weapon either, do we?"

"Nada."

"Great, just exceptional," Scarlett sighed, burying her face in his hands. She looked up at Noah and wiped her eyes. "Look here. If we don't make it out alive, I just want you to know that I don't hate you. In fact, I think you're reasonably intelligent; smart even, and I respect that."

"Same here," Noah sighed. "The only reason I joke about you so much as because they pretty much write themselves. It's not everyday that you work with a serial killer with an IQ of 180."

Scarlett smirked. Noah smiled. The robot continued to search.

"Sorry to, uh, burst the scene, but _where is everyone_?!" Noah gasped. "Did they leave?"

"I don't know, and how would I. I hate everyone here."

Noah looked down and went into a state of deep thought. He had to make a decision soon, or both his and Scarlett's lives could be at risk more than they already were. "I have an idea. It's stupid and dangerous, but it might work."

"What?" Scarlett asked as Noah looked into her eyes with determination.

* * *

><p>Noah crept along the edges of the shelves, keeping an eye on the robot and keeping its eyes off of him. Scarlett held her current position on the other side of the aisle.<p>

Noah inhaled before standing up and waving his arms. "Hey, scrap heap!"

The robot slowly caught sight of Noah and rapid-fired lasers in his direction as it walked closer, it's mechanical whirring growing louder with every step. He ducked below the shelf and crawled towards the other side.

Meanwhile, Scarlett used this distraction to crawl to the other side of the store, taking her place at the end of the shelves where Noah and her robot were playing hide-and-seek. She braced her body against the heavy, metal shelf and waited for Noah to give her the signal.

The bookworm watched as the animatronic monster found its way into the maze of shelves just a few feet away. It slowly creeped between them, it's eyes glowing and its mouth gaping.

"Now!" Noah screamed as the machine stepped into the dead center of the row. The robot looked his way and caught a faint glimmer of heat, firing another laser as well. Scarlett heard the signal loud and clear and put all of her weight on the metal shelf. It slowly tipped over and, like a set of dominoes, knocked over the other shelves in the row, one by one, until the robot was caught underneath the mess. Scarlett ran forward and jumped on the robot's back while it was down, but it quickly got up on it's feet, throwing her off and swiping at her as she stood up.

Noah barely escaped the collapsing shelves and gasped when Scarlett was thrown to the ground by another swipe. Adrenaline stormed his veins and he picked up a set of heavy dictionaries, proceeding to toss them at the machine until it turned it's sights on the bookworm himself.

"Scarlett? Scarlett!?" Noah screamed and dodged another round of lasers, much like he had done before on Total Drama.

Scarlett, despite having a massive headache, managed to stand up. Giving all her strength, she screamed aloud a powerful phrase. "It was the best of times... It was the worst of times... But this is _my _time!" She jumped on the robot once again and it tried to shake her off, but only succeeded in losing it's balance and falling over on it's face as it tried to shoot a laser, trapping the beam between it's face and the floor.

Scarlett fell off again as the beam began to melt the machine's plastic exosuit around the face, creating a bubbling, disgusting mess on the floor that rendered it helpless against Noah as he opened the panel on it's back and smashed it in with a hardcover copy of _Twilight _until it's arms and legs stopped moving for good and sparks flew from the control panel.

Noah stepped away and took a deep breath. "I never... Thought that _Twilight _had any purpose. I guess I was wrong. That's a first."

Scarlett approached her partner, limping on a sprained ankle. "I never thought you had any physical potential. I was wrong too, I suppose."

"Thanks," Noah said. "You, uh, really saved my hide."

"You too," she sighed. "So, what now?"

"I don't know. I guess you're fired?"

"_Fired _doesn't begin to cover it!" a cacophonous voice boomed angrily. "The store's a wreck!"

Massey walked up to the duo, his face red and steaming.

"At least you didn't die," Noah mumbled. "We saved your life and the general public."

"But did you nerds save my store? Look at it!"

The pair gazed across the store to see broken shelves, fire everywhere, and I melted pool of plastic on the floor with a metal frame sticking out.

"That's repairable," Noah said.

Massey glared at the two employees. "Get out, both of you! You're both finished. Hell, I'm might just fire everyone to pay for this shit!"

Scarlett laughed and broke the tension.

"What!?" Massey screamed, nearly busting his lungs.

Noah joined in on the laughter. "You don't get it? It's hilarious!"

"What's _hilarious_!? The fact that I'm calling the cops if you don't get your asses outta here in ten seconds?"

"No!" Scarlett broke down laughing. "The fact that..."

"What?!"

"The fact that you're a colossal _douche_!" Noah finished.

"Actually, I was going to call him out on having to clean this up, but your interpretation works too," Scarlett said, smiling at Noah.

"_Just get out_!" the boss slammed his fists against his head as tears began to stream down his face. "If ever see either of you here again, I'll rip your heads off and put them on display."

Noah and Scarlett shrugged and walked out as Massey broke down and sobbed angrily on the floor. They didn't look back.

* * *

><p>The pair of geniuses took a seat on a bus stop bench and sighed in unison.<p>

"So, what now?" Noah asked. "Another book store?"

"I think I'm done with book stores for a good few months," Scarlett replied. "My parole officer can go jump in my candiru pool if he wants to force me to work again."

"Can my parents join him? I don't think they'll be too happy about me losing _another _job."

"Sure. My test subjects need as much food as possible."

Noah laughed at the dark jokes. "You know what I think?"

"What?"

"We shouldn't separate our great minds."

"Interesting concept. Would you mind explaining?"

"Well, I'm smart; you're smart, so imagine what we could accomplish together."

"Like assassinating the world leaders and seizing power?"

"More along the lines of game development."

"Yawn," Scarlett deadpanned, rolling her eyes. "Your plan is a true waste of knowledge."

"Ok, then maybe something in the middle?" Noah insisted

"Bomb development?" Scarlett smiled with excitement.

"A cure for AIDS?"

"Biological weapons?"

"Cloning extinct species?"

"Animal-human hybrid super soldiers?"

"Military defense systems?"

"Tanks?"

Noah sighed. "How about something _non-lethal_?"

"Like rigging elections?"

"No. More like... Something that benefits mankind as a whole."

"Sorry, but I'm not too keen on ideas like that," Scarlett shrugged.

"We could make apps?"

"For what?"

"I don't know. Our own digital encyclopedia series?"

"Or our own computer virus?" She paused mid-smile before pouting. "Sorry."

"We need something new, something original, and something beneficial to society."

"Like a book?" Scarlett smirked.

Noah smiled. "Yeah, like a book. We can write our own novel!"

"That's... Not bad, surprisingly."

"Yeah, all we need to do is type it up and publish it together and we're rich. It can be about anything. We could even write about ourselves."

"Even about what happened today?"

"Sure. We can call that chapter... _Brainiacs and Bookshelves_!" Noah laughed. "That's it!"

"Sounds riveting, but books don't write themselves."

"True, very true. Maybe we could meet up every week and brainstorm ideas?"

"Sounds like a plan I support." Scarlett pulled out a slip of paper and jotted something down before handing it to Noah. "Here, just in the event that you have time to write."

Noah unfolded it. It was a phone number. As he looked up, a bus roared to a stop in front of them. Scarlett smirked and got on, but not before waving goodbye to her friend.

As the bus drove off, Noah fiddled with the paper in his hand and smiled. "Well, Mother, it seems as if I finally have something to do with my life after all." He stuffed the paper into his pocket and walked down the sidewalk, kicking the loose rocks as he went his separate ways with his newly found friend.

* * *

><p><strong>~AN~ And there you have it. Pretty nice twist near the end if I do say so myself. I really loved writing this story and I wish it could continue, but I already have a competition story to finish and I don't need TWO large projects to deal with at once. Anyways, this is Foreseer44 signing off for the last time in 2014. Have a great New Year, and thank you all for sticking with me. :)**


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